Thursday, January 14, 2010

Hard Day's Night

Last night has to post up there in the top ten of bad ones. Or maybe I should say HARD ones. Here's a little background: Shao has to do a report on someone who is a hero in her life. She, precious girl, chose me. She was given several different virtues, and has to write a paragraph about how her hero (me) embodies that virtue. Over the Christmas break she got started by interviewing me, and asking lots of questions. This week she has begun to write it.

The first paragraph was about fidelity (faithfulness). She equated my promises to the Chinese government that I would care for her, love her, etc., as fidelity. Yep, that was pretty easy. But the second paragraph. OH, the second virtue...that's when things got tough.

She wrote it up on my computer, and then, as is my habit, I looked at it, and went over mistakes, etc. with her, and suggested she change wording, etc., in some places to make the sentence more understandable. So...this virtue was forgiving/forgiveness. And her example? It is something I am working on every day. Some days I am forgiving. Some days I have to hand it all back to the Lord, and ask for help in forgiving.

You see, just after Christmas in 2000, someone killed my 6 year old niece, her half brother, and their mother. He was in custody within 24 hours, has been to trial (a year ago) and is serving 3 consecutive life sentences with no chance for parole. He was 24 at the time of the murder. He had been on the police's radar screen for at least 10 years. He was a bad child, and an even worse man.

But...I am called to forgive. And I do NOT want my life to be about hate. I can't live there. I can't do that. But forgiveness...that is hard. That is a daily handing over to God. And this is not something I can discuss within my family, which makes it even harder. Because they do NOT forgive him. They hate him with every fiber of their beings, and probably always will. And if I told them my feelings, they would probably never speak to me again, as they would see it as a betrayal. So it is a heavy burden, this need to forgive.

And the hard part of last night? Well, in her paragraph, Shao wrote that someone had come in to their home and shot them. But that was incorrect, and without thinking, I corrected that. When she re-read it, it was devastating to her. And I understand. Because interestingly enough, when I was told that Rachel, Kyle and Kitty had been killed, in their beds, I figured they had been shot, also. And no one thought to tell me any different. Until the next night...when I was watching the evening news. And that was the big story, of course. And the reporter began to tell how they were stabbed with a knife. And somehow...that seemed so much more terrible. I don't know why. I guess because I felt if he had shot them, it at least was quick, and hopefully they did not even have time to wake up. But that was not the case. And I stood in my mother's living room, and felt like swooning...or throwing up...or screaming. Forever. I began to sob. ShaoXi is her mother's child. Somehow, we think alike. And it broke her heart all over again to learn the truth. And mine as well, for her sake.

So it was a late night. She needed to talk. She needed to be reassured. She needed to just sit by me. We cried together. We discussed it a little. She was only four, so remembers bits and pieces, but not the whole. It was so sad. And I had to tell does NOT get easier. I no longer cry every single morning upon awakening. I don't, truthfully, think about Rachel every day. And MOST of the time, when I come across a photo of her, I smile, not sob. But sometimes...oh, sometimes it is fresh and new and raw, and it hurts SO much. And I can barely talk. And I miss her. I miss her terribly. She would be turning 16 this March. Almost grown. I wonder what she would have been like. I KNOW she would have been gorgeous. She was a beautiful kid.

Some times being a parent is so very hard. It hurts me when my child is sad. And it is even worse when we are both heartbroken and sad at the same time. I hope I was able to comfort her. I hope she is okay. She slept with the night light on. I understand. For a year after Rachel died, I did not sleep much at night. EVERY sound was that of a burglar breaking in. I was living in fear, and it was not a happy thing. I no longer live that way. And I try not to go back there. Last night was tough, but I was okay.

I miss you, Rach! I'll see you again, I know. But I have to wait mission down here isn't over yet! I still have lots to do. But some day...some day I'll get to hug you, and I won't have to let go for all of eternity. That's a happy thought, one I'll hang onto!

Josh, Rach, Alyssa holding ShaoXi, Jake
Christmas 2000

Saturday, January 9, 2010


We are all snuggled up here in our house, side by side on our respective computers! I have done a little housework, some dishes, making beds, straightening I'm havin' fun! :) We got back to our regular work/school routine this week, and while I don't particularly like having to set the alarm clock, it is good to be back in the groove! I like quiet weekends. Shao has no plans to have friends over, or to go to their houses. That's not to say that it might not still happen. But I hope not. We did a LOT of things over the Christmas holidays, and it's nice to chill out! AH...speaking of the just rang and it's for Shao...hmm. Okay...this blog is doing odd things. So this will be one big paragraph, as it is not letting me space down! Sorry about that! Let's see...not much new here. Same old, same old, really. Isn't this riveting? :) But I like boring stressful all to heck! :) Church gets back to normal tomorrow...two services instead of one, and Sunday School in the middle. I've missed Sunday School....two Sundays before Christmas my nieces were dedicated, so I went to that church. Then the Sunday before Christmas we had a huge snowfall, so didn't go. And then it went to one service w/no Sunday School for the holidays. Not sure what classes are being offered this session. I really enjoy SS, both for the learning and the fellowship. Oh...and I joined our new church last week! The previous SS session I went to a new members class. So I am official now! :) Yikes, this one big paragraph thing is driving me nutty! What in the world?!? Maybe I'll just leave big SPACES since I can't go down a line! I'm gonna sign off...this is making me beserk! Blessings...Nancy

Sunday, January 3, 2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season, and that the start of your new year was a blast! We stayed home, Shao went to bed around 9:30, and I stayed up and watched the ball drop...and then some. Insomnia is just so lovely!!!

I HAVE MY COMPUTER BACK!! Can you see me doing the "Snoopy Dance of Joy?" Cuz I AM!!!! So far so good...I got it back yesterday afternoon. Happy days!

Miss Shao has one more day off but I have to go back to work tomorrow morning. However I've been told I am to expect a brunch tomorrow. Sounds good to me! :)

Shao & I went to NYC on Tuesday with her friend Megan, and Megan's mom, Martha. Of course, we picked the very COLDEST day of the entire year to go. But we went anyways, and had a blast! Didn't get to do alot of the things we wanted, due to the cold and the long lines, but it was fun, anyways. Martha treated us all to the Christmas Spectacular show at Radio City Music Hall. WONDERFUL! Not to mention we got to sit down, and get warm for two hours! :)
We went to Chinatown, and Shao & Megan did some shopping in a cool store there. We had supper at Mr. Tang's Restaurant...yummy! Saw Rockefeller Center, all the Christmas decorations, and walked for miles. Went in and out of a million stores...mostly to get warm! :)

It is snowing here, just a tiny bit, but the big issue is the 50 mph winds! BRRR. Not looking forward to having to get up tomorrow and deal with the cold. Much prefer staying home! :) In my pajamas, thank you very much!

We are looking forward to a wonderful New Year. Who knows what God will bring to us this year? It is exciting to watch things unfold. He is ever faithful, and has such great plans for our lives. How blessed we are!